Finding purpose after work disappears

HostI was thinking about that first question we always ask when we meet someone new. It's almost always, what do you do? It's like we can't even say hello without knowing how someone makes their money. It makes me wonder what happens to our sense of who we're when that answer is suddenly gone.

GuestIt's a huge shock to the system. Most of us think we work just to get a paycheck, but the money is really only one part of the deal. When people lose their jobs, or even when they retire with plenty of money in the bank, they often hit a wall. They feel like they're drifting. There was a famous study back in the nineteen thirties of a small town where the main factory shut down. Everyone lost their jobs at once. You would think they would've used that free time to do all the things they never had time for, like reading or playing sports. But they did the opposite. They moved slower. They stopped wearing watches. They stopped checking the time because the time didn't mean anything anymore. Without that big anchor of a job, the whole shape of their day just melted away.

HostBut if you have enough in the bank to live well, surely you would just enjoy the rest? I mean, I can think of a dozen things I would rather do than sit in a meeting.

GuestYou would think so, but the meetings and the tasks give us something we don't realize we need, which is a way to measure ourselves. We like to see that we did a good job or that we solved a problem. When you take that away, you're left with a lot of hours and no scoreboard. The people in that town became very sad, not just because they were poor, but because they felt like they were no longer part of the world. They felt like they didn't have a role to play. Even when they had hobbies, those hobbies started to feel heavy. It turns out that having fun is only fun when it's a break from something else. When fun is all you have, it starts to feel like a chore.

HostThat sounds pretty dark. Are you saying we're basically trapped into needing a boss to tell us we matter?

GuestNot a boss, exactly, but we do need to be needed. That's the big secret. Work is the easiest way to feel useful to other people. Think about the small talk at the coffee machine or the way you help a teammate with a hard task. Those tiny moments tell your brain that you have a place in the group. When work disappears, your circle of people often shrinks down to just your family or maybe nobody at all. We have seen this with people who win the lottery too. They quit their jobs and move to a big house, and a year later, they're less happy than they were before. They lost their tribe. They lost the group of people who expected them to show up every day.

HostI don't know if I buy that the tribe has to be at an office. People find that in a lot of places, like their church or a local club or even just being a parent. Why is work so much more powerful than those things?

GuestIt's not that it's more powerful, it's just that it's more regular. It's there every Monday through Friday, eight hours a day. It's a pre-made life. To get that same feeling from a club or a hobby, you have to work much harder to build it yourself. You have to be the one to decide what the goals are and who you're going to help. Most of us aren't very good at being our own bosses in that way. We're used to the world handing us a set of rules. When those rules go away, it takes a lot of mental strength to wake up and say, today I'm going to be a great woodworker, even if nobody is paying me and nobody cares if I finish this chair.

HostSo it's about the effort of making your own path. But what about the people who actually do it? The ones who leave the rat race and seem happy. What are they doing differently?

GuestThey usually find a way to make their own work, even if it doesn't look like a job. They set strict goals. They might spend four hours every morning working in a garden or writing a book. They treat it like a job. They keep a schedule and they find a way to give what they make to others. They might grow vegetables for their neighbors or volunteer at a school. The trick is to stop thinking about how you feel and start thinking about what you can give. If you're focused on your own happiness all day, you'll probably end up bored and sad. But if you're focused on being useful, the meaning tends to take care of itself. We're built to be tools that are being used. When a tool just sits in a drawer, it starts to rust.

HostThat makes me think about how much we focus on the goal of retiring or getting to the weekend. We act like the work is the obstacle to the good life, but maybe the work is the thing that keeps us from falling apart.

GuestWe often see the job as a weight we have to carry, but it's more like the keel on a boat. It's the heavy part under the water that keeps the whole thing from tipping over when the wind blows. Without that weight, the boat might feel lighter, but it's also much more likely to capsize in a storm. The people who thrive after work ends are the ones who find a new weight to carry, something they choose because it matters to them, not just because it pays the bills. They realize that the best kind of freedom isn't having nothing to do, but having the power to choose your own hard work.

HostThe people who find a new way to be useful are the ones who stay steady when the old life goes quiet. That first question at the party might be the wrong one to ask, but it shows just how much we need a way to tell the world that we're here and we have something to give.