Why actions reveal what we value more than words

HostWe all have that one friend who talks a big game about wanting to start a new hobby or get in shape, but when you look at how they actually spend their time, they're usually just doing the same old thing. It feels like there's this huge gap between what we say we care about and what we actually do during the day. I want to mark out why we're so bad at being honest with ourselves about this. What's actually going on when our words and our days don't line up?

GuestIt's one of those things that really defines what it means to be human. There's a way of looking at this that people in the world of data call revealed preference. The basic idea is that talk is free. I can tell you that I value my health more than anything else in the whole world. But if you look at my bank statement and see I spend way more money on fast food than on fresh vegetables or a gym membership, the data says I value the burger more than the workout. Our actions are the only real way to measure what we actually put first because actions have a cost. Words don't cost a thing to say. You can say anything and it doesn't take a minute of your time or a cent from your pocket. But the moment you move your body or spend your money, you're making a trade.

HostThat feels a bit harsh though. I might really value my health but just be having a really bad week. Or maybe I'm just tired from work. Does one burger or one missed workout really undo my whole system of what I care about?

GuestWell, it's not really about one single choice. It's about the pattern. Think of it like a vote. Every time you spend a dollar or an hour of your time, you're casting a vote for the person you actually are right now, not the person you wish you were. We use words to build a map of who we want to be. It's a very nice map. It has big mountains for our goals and clear blue lakes for our dreams. But your actions are the actual footsteps you take on the ground. If your feet never leave the house, the map doesn't really matter. The map is just a story we tell ourselves so we can feel good about our potential.

HostSo why do we do that? Why not just be honest and say that I value sitting on the couch more than going for a run?

GuestBecause we're social creatures. We use words to send signals to other people. If I tell you I love deep, classic books, I'm trying to tell you that I'm a smart and serious person. If I actually spend all my time watching silly videos online, that's the reality of my attention. We use words as a kind of PR campaign for our own lives. We want to believe our own hype. It's much easier to say I'm a person who cares about the environment than it's to actually stop driving a car or to change the way I eat. Words let us keep the shiny image of ourselves without having to do the heavy lifting.

HostWait, I should push back a bit there. Sometimes we do things we hate because we have to. If I work a job I don't like just to pay the rent, does that mean I value that job more than my family or my hobbies? That doesn't seem right. My actions there are forced, they're not really a choice.

GuestThat's a fair point. You have to look at the limits people are living under. If you have no choice, the action doesn't show what you value as much as it shows what you need to survive. But even then, if you want to find the truth, look at what you do with your very last hour of the day or your last ten dollars. That's where the truth comes out. Values are really about trade-offs. If everything was free and took no time, we could value everything at once. But time is the one thing we can never get more of. So where you put your time when you do have a choice is the most honest thing about you. It's the ultimate way to see what matters.

HostIt's like that old saying that if you want to know what someone cares about, don't look at their mouth, look at their feet. But is it possible that our actions can lie too? People perform for others all the time. Someone might go to the gym just so people see them there, even if they don't care about being fit at all.

GuestThat's a funny twist, but the action is still telling the truth. In that case, the person isn't showing that they value health. They're showing that they value what other people think of them. Their action is perfectly lined up with their true value, which is social standing. The action is still honest about their heart, even if the reason they're doing it's hidden. We can never really escape our own truth. If I say I want to write a book but I never write a single page, I'm basically telling the world that I value the idea of being a writer more than I value the actual hard work of writing. Writing is lonely and difficult. Watching a movie is easy and fun. By choosing the movie, I'm saying that comfort right now is worth more to me than a finished book later.

HostSo how do we actually fix that gap? If I realize my actions are showing I value things I don't actually like about myself, how do I start to shift things?

GuestYou have to stop looking at the big goals and start looking at the small costs. If you want to value something new, you have to find something you're willing to give up. You can't just add a new habit to your life without taking something away. You have to decide what you're going to stop doing to make room. Are you willing to give up thirty minutes of sleep? Are you willing to give up your morning news? If the answer is no, then you don't actually value the new thing yet. You just like the idea of it. Your calendar is a better mirror than your mind. If you want to know who you're, just look at your bank statement and your clock. They don't have an ego and they don't care about your excuses. They just show the plain math of your life.

GuestThe real test is what you're willing to give up, because you can only find the truth of a value when it starts to cost you something.

HostThe footsteps we take every day tell a story that our paper maps never could.