Why dating apps feel worse despite their popularity

HostIt seems like almost everyone I know who's looking for a partner is on at least one or two dating apps. But if you ask them how it’s going, they usually just groan or talk about how burnt out they feel. We have more ways to meet people than ever before, yet it feels like the hardest thing in the world.

HostWhy does it feel so bad to use these tools that are supposed to be helping us find love?

GuestIt’s a strange spot to be in, right? We have this tool in our pockets that can show us thousands of people, but that’s actually part of the problem. When you have that many choices, your brain starts to change how it looks at people. It stops seeing a human being with a life and a story and starts seeing a product on a shelf. It turns into a bit of a shopping trip. When you’re swiping, you aren't really thinking about a soul or a connection. You’re looking for a reason to say no so you can get to the next one. We’ve turned the most human thing we do into a search engine.

HostThat makes sense. I’ve noticed that when I’m looking through a list of things to buy, I get very picky about tiny details. Does that same thing happen with people?

GuestIt really does. In the real world, you might meet someone at a park or through a friend and find them charming even if they aren't your usual type. But on an app, we set these very strict rules. We say they have to be a certain height or have a certain job. We filter people out before we even give them a chance to speak. We think we're being smart by narrowing things down, but we end up cutting out the very people we might actually click with. And because there are always more people to look at, we don't feel like we need to put in the work to get to know someone. If the first five minutes of a chat are a little dull, we just move on because we think the perfect person is just one more swipe away.

HostSo we’re basically stuck in a loop of looking for something better instead of trying to build something real. But wait, aren't these apps built to help us find someone? If they work, we leave the app. If they don't work, we stay. Doesn't that mean the companies making them want us to stay single?

GuestYou hit on the big secret there. These apps are businesses. They make money when you're on the app, not when you're off on a happy date. If everyone found their person in a week, the app would go out of business. So they use a lot of tricks to keep you hooked. They use bright colors, little sounds, and a slow drip of matches to keep you coming back. It’s a lot like a slot machine. You get a match and your brain gets a little rush of feeling liked. That rush is what you start to chase, not the actual date. People end up spending hours every night just swiping to feel that little hit of being seen, but they never actually go out and meet anyone.

HostThat feels a bit dark. It’s like we’re being played. But surely we have some say in this? We can just choose to be better or try harder to talk to people, right?

GuestWe can try, but the whole setup makes it hard. Think about how it feels to get ghosted. You’re talking to someone, things seem okay, and then they just vanish. That happens because the person on the other side doesn't feel like they owe you anything. To them, you’re just a photo on a screen. When that happens to us a few times, we start to protect ourselves. We stop trying as hard. We send shorter messages. We don't share as much. Pretty soon, everyone on the app is half-trying and being guarded. It becomes a place where everyone is acting cold because they don’t want to get hurt or waste their time. It’s a race to the bottom of who can care the least.

HostI see what you mean. It’s like a circle where everyone is waiting for the other person to be real first. But if no one starts, nothing happens. It just feels like a lot of work for very little reward.

GuestAnd that work is exhausting. We spend all this time vetting people. We check their photos, we read their bios, we try to guess what they’re like from three sentences. We build up a version of them in our heads. Then, when we finally meet up, the real person is almost never like the one we imagined. Even if they're great, they aren't the dream we built. It’s high stress and very low payoff. We’ve taken the magic of a lucky meeting and replaced it with a pile of paperwork and a lot of letdowns.

HostIs there any way to fix this? Or are we just stuck with this being the new way to meet?

GuestWell, some people are trying to go back to meeting in person at events or through clubs. But as long as we use the apps, the best thing we can do is try to see the person behind the screen. We have to remind ourselves that every profile is a real person with a whole life. The real fix might just be realizing that an app is a tool to get a phone number, not a place to build a whole relationship. The goal should be to get off the screen as fast as you can.

HostThe apps are built to keep us in that endless loop of looking without ever truly finding what we want.

GuestWe have traded the messy, slow work of getting to know a real human for a fast, shiny game that's designed to never let us win.

HostWe keep swiping through those digital faces hoping for a spark, but it’s hard to start a fire when we’re treating people like just another tab open on our phones.