Why doing favors makes us like people more

HostWe usually think about kindness as a simple result. We like someone, so we do something nice for them. It's a straight line from a feeling to an action. But there's this strange glitch in how we work where the arrow actually points the other direction. Doing a favor for someone can be the very thing that makes you start to like them more. It's almost like our actions pull our feelings along behind them. Where does this idea even come from?

GuestIt mostly goes back to a famous story about Benjamin Franklin. Back when he was a lawmaker in Pennsylvania, he had a rival who was very powerful and really didn't like him. This other man was wealthy and well-read, and he would often speak out against Franklin. Most people in that spot would try to win the guy over by giving him a gift or doing him some huge service, but Franklin did something that sounds totally backwards. He asked the man for a favor. He knew the man had a very rare and very specific book in his library, so Franklin sent him a note asking if he could borrow it for just a few days.

HostThat feels like it would only make things worse. If I already don't like someone, them asking to use my stuff would just annoy me. It feels like they're taking advantage of me.

GuestYou would think so, but the man sent the book right away. Franklin kept it for a week and then sent it back with a very kind thank-you note. The next time they saw each other in person, the man was incredibly friendly. They ended up being close friends for the rest of their lives. This became known as the Ben Franklin Effect. The core of it's that by putting this rival in the spot of being the giver, Franklin forced the man’s brain to change how it saw their relationship. When you do a favor, your brain has to make sense of why you're putting in effort for that person.

HostBut I still don't see why the brain would flip like that. If I do a favor for someone I can't stand, I usually just feel like I'm being too soft. I don't suddenly think they're a great person.

GuestWell, that's because of a push and pull in our minds called cognitive dissonance. It's a fancy name for a very simple feeling. Basically, humans have a deep, uncomfortable need for our actions and our beliefs to stay in line with each other. We want to feel like we're sensible people who do things for good reasons. When you do something helpful for someone you don't like, or even someone you feel neutral about, it creates a mental clash. The logic inside your head goes like this: I'm a rational person, and rational people only help people they value. So, if I'm helping this person, they must be someone I actually value. To fix that itchy mental tension, your brain just goes ahead and changes your opinion of the person after the fact. It's an automatic mental cleanup so you don't have to feel like a fool for helping a perceived enemy.

HostSo the brain is just lying to itself to keep the peace? That seems like a pretty weak foundation for a friendship.

GuestIt's less about lying and more about how we handle the effort we spend. And we know this because of how specific the favor has to be. In the late sixties, some researchers ran a study where people won a little bit of money during a task. Afterward, some of the people were asked for a personal favor by the researcher. He told them he was using his own money for the study and was running low, so he asked if they would mind giving the prize money back to him. For other people, a secretary asked them to return the money to a general office fund instead.

HostLet me guess. The people who gave the money back to the guy liked him more, but the ones who gave it to the office didn't care?

GuestThat's exactly what happened. The liking effect only showed up when the favor was done for the individual specifically. When people returned the money to a big institution or a department fund, their feelings toward the researcher didn't change at all. This proves the effect is driven by a personal loop between two humans. The effort you spend has to be tied to a specific person for your brain to start valuing them more. If you're just helping a nameless office, there's no clash to fix because you weren't being nice to him, you were just following the rules of the building.

HostIt still feels a bit like we’re being tricked by our own heads. Why is our view of other people so fragile that one borrowed book can flip it?

GuestThere's a theory that we don't actually have a direct line to our own internal feelings. Instead, we act like observers of our own lives. We watch what we do like we're outsiders and then we try to figure out what we must believe based on those actions. If you see yourself going out of your way to grab a coffee for a new coworker, your brain looks at that and concludes you must find them pleasant. This creates a feedback loop where the more time or work you put into another person, the more your brain decides they must be worth it. It's like a sunk cost. You've already invested in them, so your brain turns them into a character in your story who's worthy of your support. You end up liking them simply because you've already behaved like a friend would.

HostIt's a strange thought that if I want to get along with someone, I should stop trying to impress them and just ask them for a small hand with something.

GuestThat little bit of work they do for you is what builds the bridge, because once they've helped you, their own mind will convince them that you were worth the trouble all along.

HostThe next time I run into someone who seems to be keeping their distance, I might just have to see if they have a rare book I can borrow.