Why venting your anger makes you feel even worse

HostWe have all been there. You have a rough day at work or someone cuts you off on the road, and you feel that heat rising in your chest. The common wisdom is that you have to let it out. We're told to go for a run, scream into a pillow, or vent to a friend so we don't explode. It feels like we're letting steam out of a pressure cooker. But I have been hearing lately that this might actually be doing the opposite of what we think. Is the whole idea of letting off steam just a myth?

GuestIt really is. The idea that anger is like steam in a kettle is one of the biggest lies we have been told about how our brains work. We think that if we don't find a way to let the anger out, it'll build up and eventually blow. But anger isn't like steam. It's much more like a fire. If you vent, you're not letting the heat out of the room. You're just throwing more wood on the flames and blowing a fan on it to keep it going. When you vent, you're actually practicing being angry. Your brain doesn't see it as a release. It sees it as a rehearsal. You're training your body and your mind to stay in that high state of stress, and the more you do it, the better you get at it.

HostWait, that feels wrong. If I'm really mad and I go punch a boxing bag, I feel tired afterward. I feel like the energy is gone. Are you saying that feeling of being worn out isn't the same as being calm?

GuestThat's exactly the trap. You're tired because you just used a ton of energy, but your brain is still buzzing. What's happening inside your body is that your heart is racing and your blood is pumping. When you punch that bag while thinking about the person who made you mad, you're linking that high physical energy to your anger. You're teaching your brain that the right way to handle being upset is to stay in that red zone. There was a famous study where they had people hit a punching bag while thinking about someone who had been mean to them. Those people ended up being much more aggressive later on than the people who just sat quietly in a chair. The quiet group cooled down, but the hitters stayed ready for a fight. They were still primed for it because they never let their bodies return to a truly quiet state.

HostBut if I don't vent, isn't that just stuffing it down? I have always been told that hiding your feelings is how you end up having a total meltdown later on. Surely there has to be some middle ground between hitting things and just pretending I'm not mad.

GuestThere's a big difference between noticing you're mad and feeding the madness. When you vent, you're usually just telling the story of why you're right and the other person is wrong over and over. That's called rumination. It keeps the story alive and keeps your body on high alert. You're not dealing with the feeling; you're just looping the video of what happened. The alternative isn't to hide it or pretend it isn't there. It's about letting the physical fire die out. If you stop talking about it and stop moving around in a violent way, your heart rate starts to drop. Once your body is calm, your brain can actually think about the problem. You can’t solve a problem when your brain thinks it's in the middle of a fistfight. You have to get out of the fight first.

HostWhat about talking to a friend, though? That's the most common way we vent. I call someone up and tell them every little thing my boss did to annoy me. If they listen and agree with me, I usually feel like I have a weight off my shoulders. Is that also just feeding the fire?

GuestIt can be. It depends on what the friend does. If they just sit there and say things like, yeah, he shouldn't have done that, or, that's so unfair, they're actually helping you stay mad. Researchers call this co-rumination. You're both just standing over the fire and throwing logs on it together. It feels good in the moment because you feel like someone is on your side, but you leave that conversation with the anger still fresh. You have spent twenty minutes coming up with even better reasons to be upset. To actually feel better, you need a friend who helps you look at the situation differently or someone who helps you talk about something else entirely until the physical sting of the anger goes away.

HostSo the goal is to basically get my heart rate down as fast as possible. If I can't vent, what's the best way to actually get that heat to go away when I'm fuming?

GuestThe most boring advice is actually the stuff that works. You have to do things that are the total opposite of anger. If anger is fast and loud and hot, you need to be slow and quiet and cool. Deep breaths actually change the signals your body sends to your brain. It tells your nervous system that the threat is gone. Or even something as simple as counting or doing a puzzle can help. You're forcing your brain to use the part that handles logic and numbers, which pulls energy away from the part that handles raw emotion. It's like taking the battery out of the anger machine. You aren't ignoring the problem; you're just giving yourself the chance to handle it with a cool head later.

HostThis makes me think about how many times I have sent a long, angry text and then felt even more worked up while waiting for a reply.

GuestThose texts are the worst because they keep you in the loop for hours, waiting for the next spark to hit the dry grass.

HostThe car that cut you off is already miles down the road while you're still gripping the steering wheel and keeping the fire alive.

GuestYour brain is a fast learner, and every time you choose to sit in the quiet instead of feeding the noise, you're making it easier to stay calm the next time something goes wrong.

HostThe old image of the steam kettle is hard to shake, but it sounds like the real secret is just letting the burner go cold.