Why we can't truly consent to life-changing choices

HostWe often think of the big moves in our lives as things we carefully plan for, like we're looking at a map before we set off. But what if the person you become after that move is someone you can't even imagine right now?

GuestThat's the real heart of the problem. We think we're making a choice, but we're actually standing on one side of a huge gap. Philosophers sometimes talk about this using a story called Mary's Room. Think of a scientist named Mary who lives in a world that's only black and white. She knows every single fact there's to know about the color red. She knows how light waves work, how the eye sees them, and how the brain reacts. But she has never actually seen the color. Then, one day, she walks out of her room and sees a red apple. In that moment, she learns something that all her books could never teach her. She learns the actual feeling of seeing red.

HostSo even with all the facts in the world, there was still a piece missing until she lived through it.

GuestRight. And that creates a massive hurdle when we try to make big life choices. You can't truly know what it's worth to be in a certain state if you haven't been there yet. You're basically making a blind bet on a feeling you can't even picture. If you haven't had a child, or moved to a tiny village across the world, you can read all the books you want, but you're still like Mary in her black and white room. You're missing the most important part, which is what the experience actually feels like from the inside.

HostBut we still have to choose. I mean, we can't just wait around. We look at our friends who have already made the leap and ask them if it's worth it.

GuestThat brings us to a really strange problem. There's this idea about becoming a vampire. Imagine all your friends have made the jump. They tell you being a vampire is the best thing ever. They're fast, they live forever, and they love it. But right now, as a human, you love things that vampires hate. You love sitting in the sun and eating garlic bread. To become one of them, you have to give up everything you currently value. The person you're right now would hate being a vampire. But the person you'll become will love it.

HostThat feels like a trap. If I say yes, I'm killing off the version of me that likes the sun to create someone I don't even know yet.

GuestExactly. It's a knot we can't really untie. Can you really give your okay for a future version of yourself when your wants and likes are totally different? If the human you says yes, are you speaking for the vampire you? They have different desires that can't both be true at the same time. You're making a deal for a person who doesn't exist yet, and that person might look back at your old life and think you were boring or wrong.

HostThis really messes with how I make decisions. Usually, I just make a list of pros and cons. I weigh the good and the bad and see which side is heavier. Is that just a waste of time then?

GuestIt kind of falls apart in these moments. Most of the time, we assume there's a stable version of us at the center of the choice. We think we're the same person before and after. But for these huge, life-changing leaps, the ruler you use to measure your happiness actually changes. If you decide to have a kid or change your career in a radical way, the result of that choice is what sets your new values. You aren't choosing a path based on what you like now. You're choosing a new set of likes that will make you look back and feel like you made the right call. The rationality we rely on fails because there's no steady self to act as a yardstick.

HostSo if we can't use logic or a list of pros and cons, how does anyone ever decide to do anything big? It feels like we're all just throwing ourselves off a cliff and hoping for the best.

GuestIn a way, we are. One suggestion is that we need to stop focusing so much on the result. Instead of trying to guess if you'll be happier on the other side, you choose based on the value of discovery. You aren't saying yes to being a vampire or a parent or a traveler because you know it'll be good. You're saying yes because you want to find out what happens. You're giving your okay to the process of finding a new self, whoever that person turns out to be.

HostThat makes it sound less like a calculated risk and more like just being open to the unknown.

GuestIt's an embrace of the mystery. We have to accept that the person who finishes the journey will be a total stranger to the person who started it. We're not just changing our lives; we're choosing to become someone else entirely, and the only way to meet that new person is to take the leap without a map.

HostGarlic bread is a big thing to give up, but I suppose we only find out if the trade is worth it by becoming the person who doesn't want it anymore.